Theological imagination and scaffolding poles. Learning the ropes in the style of the "four candles" sketch.
Ronnie Barker in a shop wearing overalls, in the 1970s.
I turn up as a customer with a perfectly sensible question.
Shop bell rings on entry.
Me:
Hello there. Got any scaffolding equipment?
RB:
Scaffolding? What d'you want scaffolding for?
Me:
I need it for metaphors. But I'm not an engineer. Can you help?
RB:
Scaffolding. Scaffolding… Let me 'ave a look.
RB goes searching behind him. Climbs a short ladder and grabs a box. Brings it down and pulls out an item, laying it on the desk.
RB:
There you are.
Me:
What's that then?
RB:
That's a thesaurus, that is.
Me:
I can see that.
RB:
Loads of words in there. No need for metaphors. Just find the right word in the first place. That's your answer.
Me:
Ah, no, no. Sorry, that won't do. I've got a thesaurus. In fact I've got a whole plethora of them. No, I'm looking for scaffolding poles. That's what I need. For my imagination. Theological, you see. Got any scaffolding poles — and the little joints that connect them?
RB:
Right, so you already got a thesaurus? Well you don't need one of those then. Alright, alright. Let me have another look. Sure there's something out there.
RB sets the first box aside and now looks out the back. There's a lot of tumbling and busyness as I wait patiently. Eventually he comes back with another box.
RB:
Right then. Now, let's see what we got here. Theological imagination, you say? This'll do it. Just what you need.
He reaches in and plonks a book on the counter.
RB:
There you go, how's that then? There you are, you see. Just the thing.
Me:
Ohh, no, no. That's not —
RB:
No? Why's that then?
Me:
Well, that's not scaffolding poles is it? No, that's a Strong's Concordance, that is. Good bit of kit. Very useful. But not much good half way up a thought experiment in the rain. Tried that. Not waterproof. Tried climbing on it.
RB:
You did? What happened.
Me:
Not happy.
RB:
Not happy?
Me:
Metaphorically speaking.
RB:
Ah, that's no good then. You got one of them an' all.
Me:
No, no that's not good. Listen, listen. Sca-ffold-ing poles. That's what I need.
RB:
Ohh — Scaffolding poles? Scaffolding poles!
Me:
Yes, I've been saying that all along. Scaffolding poles. For my imagination.
RB puts the book back in the box, still mumbling as he does so.
RB:
Scaffolding poles. Scaffolding poles she wants now. She might have said so… I say — you might have said so in the first place. Scaffolding poles. I'm sure I got something under here somewhere. Let's have a look…
Me:
That's right. Scaffolding poles. That's what I need.
RB:
Just a moment, somewhere I remember seeing something like that… Let's see then. Scaffolding, scaffolding…
RB goes under the counter, and brings out a box. He tips out metal objects.
RB:
There you go.
Me:
What's this then?
RB:
Scaffolding, that is. That's what you asked for isn't it? Scaffolding.
Me:
Is it? What am I looking at?
RB:
Well, let's see here. So — you got your right-angle coupler, for joining two tubes at 90°. Then, you got your swivel coupler — for various angles. And then of course you got your adjustable base jack, and your putlog coupler to attach your transom to your standard…
Me:
Oh, right. And that's scaffolding is it?
RB:
Yep, that's scaffolding. What can I do you for? One of everything?
Me:
Mm. Looks quite heavy, that does. You got any invisible ones?
And there it is.
That's the kind of script running through my head whenever I read the Bible, daydream, or — for that matter — nip off to the local supermarket for a pint of milk.
I grew up around people who were extremely sure, and imaginative, and confident in what they believed. At church I mean, and at home.
And so I learned the right answers, and the right-sounding answers, and even the right-kind-of answers, and how to deliver them convincingly.
Once a peace loving member of another religious community tried to convert me in the middle of Kingswood precinct and ended up using his bic biro as a kind of a lance in the direction of my face.
I must have argued like a fundamentalist. And if he was doing the same in my direction (with his own form of certainty) I can quite believe I would have won — if winning is defined as driving someone to weaponise stationery in a shopping centre, against their religion.
Oh, my.
When Philosophy arrived on the scene, so did the imaginary scaffolding poles.
Permission to think out of the box and construct my own virtual pathways in the forms of unlikely thought experiments, allowing other camera angles and trajectories of movement. Non-standard. After all, if God is the Creator not just of physical things, but of physics…
Ha! Yes. I've written about my legendary physics teacher. Climbing on desks, carving my homework into them. Scissors in the blackout blinds.
Is it any wonder?
And one grandfather was a toolmaker.
While the other was a lamplighter.
So many stories.
